have you ever let one person define you your entire life? ive held onto for many many years the hurt my father put me through. and to this day, it still sits in the back of my mind. my father is the kind of person that holds grudges and its his way or no way. i remember my childhood with him was an 'OK' one. but the minute i reached the teenage years and started forming my own opinions is when our relationship changed...and soon after ended.
when i reached my teenage years i, like many, rebelled. i experiemented with pot and drinking. ( like many) ....my dad never could get passed any flaw i ever held. he expected me to make all the right decisions and when an undesirable one was made , he never forgot it. he just added it to his tally list of hate.
until i reached the age of 18, i lived in the same house as him. we never spoke. the only time words were exchanged was during heated arguments. at one point he made the comment that he wished he never had kids. most of his remarks i pushed so far out of my mind that i couldnt even recall at this moment. i think that he believed if he could yell at me and put me down enough that it would make me change and suddenly be a respectable adult.
when i was 17, i became pregnant and had my first child. my father was embarrassed to be seen with me in public. and hell, for most of my family's friends they didnt even know he had a daughter. i remember one time when i was noticably pregnant, we were going out to dinner as a family. when my dad discoverd i was going along too, he went back in the house because he didnt want to be seen with his embarrassment of a daughter.
i remember many of times my father going out of his way to big the biggest prick he could possibly be to me. i was never good enough. i was stupid. i was a waste of space to him. several times i tried to reach out and ammend things...that only lasted a couple days. and soon, he would go back to his ways. and even though im the only child in the immediate family to graduate highschool , go to college, and have a respectable profession, i am STILL not good enough.
it wasnt just I, that my father would belittle. he never was good with communication. yelling was his way of life...either that or just ignoring you. ive seen him make my own mother cry. ive seen him yell and put down my brother when we were growing up. sometimes i become so angry when i hear the things that he says to my mom.
present day, its been some time that i removed myself from his life. its been years since i asked the man for anything....and yes he is still alive. my dad was always a looming cloud of anger growing up in the house. ...never knew when he was gonna start in with his shit. and when it came to me and him it always escalated. i grew up in a house where even at the supper table we wouldnt even ask eachother to pass the salt....there was always a middle man for that. pretty sad huh? i couldnt tell you anything about my father...favorite color...age....birthday....dont know, and honestly dont care.
i do strongly believe my father helped to shape me into who i am today. some attributes good...and some not so much. i probably have what they call " daddy issues" hahahha...i definitely have issues with men and definitely have issues with trust. BUT i can say im probably a lot more ballsy because of him. ..i mean hell, when your living in a war zone growing up your always on the defense, and always have the most wittiest comback resting on the tip of your tongue.
with all this being said, he never physically beat me....he just emotionally derailed me. but, i feel ive come out on top in life so far. things could definitely have turned out worse. ...i have given up on trying to mend things with him and have accepted that things are the way they are and they cannot be undone. because afterall,.....you cant miss, what you never had.
until next time,
your go to girl
No comments:
Post a Comment