Dead on the Inside

Gawsh...why do I always feel so godamn dead inside? I came home to a bottle of wine just because I'd been feeling so damn low all day today. And now that the wine has worn off, I'm just back to feeling so ugly on the inside. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't just let go and feel real happiness?  Will I ever just feel like a normal human being? I feel like I've just given up on myself and my dreams. Sometimes I just feel like I can't find what I'm living for. does anyone else feel this way? Geez, I gotta stop being so damn hard on myself, and just love who I am. Le sigh....

Until next time,
Your go to girl

lazy and lovely

so ive been contimplating things a lot lately. is it wrong for me to not want to work and have the finer things in life? because seriously, i really need a man to swoop in and spoil the shit outta me. i mean, somewhere in my mind, i feel like i should NOT have to work but i should always have a pocket full of money. oh, and i should have a hot man at my every beck and call.

why couldnt i have been born into tons of money, where i spend my days shopping and laying out by a pool? and while laying out by the pool my hands and feet would be perfectly manicured and my makeup equally perfected. the biggest worry of my day would be applying enough SPF. ok, maybe im going a bit overboard. but seriously, can a girl get SOME of those things??.... maybe the sexy man and the pedi/ mani part. ...oh and of course my makeup will always look amazing.

i honestly dont know of any men who could deal with that.... haha. i feel like im fishing in a sea of married ...fish.

what about the lottery? does anyone really win the lottery anymore? maybe that would be a better solution. the odds of me winning the lottery are probably greater than me acting like a total gold digger and getting hitched..le sigh....

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

fem boys do not communicate like women

all men are the same...truely. even the gay boys. .. i have a gay friend. i always think of him as one of the girls. he will text me alot and want to hang out but then always flakes out on me. so ill find myself texting, and calling and i get delayed texts and unanswered phone calls. so ive come to the conclusion, seriously, all men are the same when it comes to communication hahaha. i just figured since he was more feminine than my other guy friends that maybe he would think a little more like a woman. ha! i was wrong.

there really isnt any point to this post, just something i was thinking on hahahaha. but truely, i love my gay boys :) you all enjoy your day! we are having beautiful weather here!

until next time,
your go to girl

current events

happy saturday readers. its been several days since my last post and i do apologize. ive been sooo busy! so, to get things started,....current events....none. hahahaha . yeah i know, pretty lame . i dont find myself speechless too often, but today is one of those days. and imagine that, no hangover.

on recent escapades i did learn that most attractive and charming men are married...find this out before you buy them a shot! ummm, lets see, sweat bands that say "dude" are back in style. wear them proud. and always, dance. even if you have two left feet. sometimes i just dance about in circles until i get dizzy. hahaha im sure its quite the spectacle.

so anyways, its the weekend guys! have fun. have laughs. and be merry...and have a shot,...or two, or eight.. ;0) dont drink and drive guys. im off to work for the evening, everyone be safe and hit me up on here. you can always reach me on my fb page! "like" me and lets start chatting!

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

Weekend Escapades

Hello readers!! It's been an eventful weekend. Hope everyone had a safe and festive mardi gras. My weekend consisted of wine and being called snooki by three bald guys. Who I then immediately touched each and everyone of their bald heads and literally " duck duck goosed" them. Except for the goose was bald. Hahaha. I also crashed a birthday party and seen some old friends from highschool. So I had my fair share of fun.
Biggest lesson learned this weekend,....it is nearly impossible to make a bed buddy anymore than just a friend. Although that person may send mixed signals , ya just shouldn't go there. Or perhaps maybe this person is developing some real feelings...le sigh, idk, I can never figure these things out. So I've decided to once again take a step back before some permanent damage is done.

But all in all, great weekend. Hope all of u had fun. I gotta get back to work. Much love to ya!

Until next time,
Your go to girl

sexy time or set back?

can a friend,...thats a fuck buddy...become something more than just one or the other?? or can the two together never exist? i looked up at the stars last night and wondered how my heart has become so broken. and then for a minute in pure intoxication, i can forget about it, for just a minute or two. and even though ive set out only for a fuck buddy, sometimes i look in his eyes and i want to make something more of the way he looks into mine. i so badly long for companionship but no one is suitable. i need someone with depth with a playful side. someone that can look into my eyes and know exactly how i feel. i dont want someone thats like everyone else, i want someone different. someone that intrigues my mind....not bore me to death with blah blah cars blah blah fast cars...food beer sleep...typical..

until next time,
your go to girl

plus size nude model next to runway model

hey everyone. i found this link and i just had to share. its very bold! i enjoyed it. have a good night guys and gals!

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2085226/PLUS-Model-Magazines-Katya-Zharkova-cover-highlights-body-image-fashion-industry.html

lacking a lust

i feel that alot lately ive been just dragging through life. i dont enjoy going to work and i dont enjoy being home from work. and more and more i find myself burning bridges with people. and everytime i turn around, someone has burned their bridge with me. i often lately have been finding myself daydreaming of taking a road trip to anywhere. going somewhere warm, some where with sand and palm trees. a place where no one knows my name and i can just blend into the background.

i feel that being a single mom, living from paycheck to paycheck isnt enough for me. i feel like i should have some deeper meaning and purpose for this world. and that the person i see on the inside , does not match the person i see on the outside.

what is the remedy when you lack a lust for life?

until next time,
your go to girl

dream weaver

hello readers. its been a long couple of days. lots of things on the brain. my dreams lately have been very vivid and ....strange to say the least. ive had many dreams of taking off and visiting the world, bicycling across country, and of a man hunting me down. not only am i left with the vision of these dreams but the feelings as well. and some of those feelings are not as pleasant...guilt, loss, regret, love, remorse....and all these feelings i take with me when i wake. the feelings of these dreams stay with me all day and consume me. i almost feel depressed. i cant really explain how odd it is.

so, i dont really know how to explain it. ...its strange. i really dont even know how to elaborate anymore on it. lol...sorry if im boring you tonight. i really just wanted to keep in touch and share a little bit of my world with you. thank you for reading. and sweet dreams!

until next time,
your go to girl

ugh ya freckin muffin top

why the hell is skinny in? i gotta say, now that ive been living a little more comfortable, i wanna dine out, i wanna eat EVERYTHING. lol... and every time i put a mozzarella stick in my mouth i just think, eh, ill diet next week, or its the weekend. and then i look at my growing belly and just think ugh, might as well have 3 more, cuz its not going to stop this lil pudge growing right here right now. or otherwise known as what i like to call "the food baby."


does anyone know of any miracle super diets? and i already know what you die hard health fanatics are thinking "diet and excercise."...but what about us people that constantly crave SOMETHING all the damn time!? i know im not alone in this. ive seen other heftys walking around. lol... and what about these damn celebrities having their babies and then like 5 days later are already a size smaller than what they were before they got pregnant.... what are they doing? is there a magic pill that could just knock down my appetite a little bit?...becasuse really, that would be the cure all. ...i have a gym membership and i do enjoy going. but when your on a see food diet, the gym isnt really helpin too much.


and, as far as diet, dear god, fiber makes my stomach soooooo unhappy. might as well lock myself away from public cuz they dont make a gas pill to fix that!


so does anyone have any tips, tricks, or trends? or shall we just be pudgy together? ehh either way, i still love you all. cheers to the muffin top!


until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

hey readers! my challenge for you!... wake up :)

hey readers. ive only had this blog running for a couple of weeks now but have had alot of pageviews. i thank all of you for stopping by. but here is my challenge for you! im ready to hear back from you! i want your comments and feed back. let me know, do ya like me? hate me? wanna hug me? perhaps punch me in the face?? hahaha whatever it is, i challenge you to leave your comments. cant wait to hear from you!

your go to girl

diva bitch attitude

on a recent outting, ive discovered that i find myself cutting more and more people from my life. i realize at times...ok, alot of the times i act like a diva bitch, but when in reality, i really just want everyone to like me. this does not make sense..i often find that i do the opposite of what i actually want. but then while sitting there, ive been really nice lately. and one person can ruin it. and i find myself wondering why im even nice at all to these people. perhaps they deserve my diva bitch attitude.

after a friend confronted me and asked what was wrong, i tried to explain but just didnt wanna go there..so i wake up to a text this morning saying i need to shut my fucking mouth.. i was accused of calling these people "punks" .. lol...so, i decided to ignore this text. maybe if i ignore it this kid will think that he had the wrong number...but anyways, point is, it came from the horses mouth, and this horse was supposed to be one of my best friends...

i ignored the urge to text back fuck u , fuck u, x100. and also call out the horse. instead i went about my day, and decided that ya know, theres other horses in the sea...and perhaps im grazing on the wrong pasture. so ha! and my day ends here.

so my advice for everyone. eff the nay sayers. be, whoever it is that you are, and just go with things because you cant please everyone all the time. worry only about yourself, and fuck everyone else...except for your mom....lol...always have love for your mama!

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

lettin it out

i just spent the last hour and a half  " letting out my jeans"....lol so to speak. i came up with a really good idea that if i cut the sides of my jeans and then replaced it with thick elastic that it would some how get rid of my muffin top. lol well it sorta worked but didnt change the fact that my jeans are low waisted. maybe if i perfect this craft i will really be onto something. lol...just goes to show ya what a girl will go through to look good! guys, dont take this lightly. we do this mostly for you. hahaha

anyone else got any crafty ideas on this monday night? send me your thoughts.

until next time,
your go to girl

Love your mommys

I'd like to take a moment to express how grateful I am to have my mom. She truely is an amazing woman. So this post is for her. Thank you mom, for everything you do!!!

For everyone out there reading, give your mom a hug, if you are fortunate enough to have one!

Until next time,
Your go to girl

single and sexing

being a woman, can you have casual sex and not be considered a "whore"? ... thats whats on my mind today.

as much as i would love a significant other and a family,  i just dont see it in my near future. maybe its due to my lack of self confidence...or maybe im just not dating material even though i think i am. im aware i only show whats surface deep...but in this world its hard to open up and trust people.

so to get back on topic, i had an amazing encounter. we were drunk in lust. this person has been a dear friend for quite some time. ...yes i have friends with benefits...a girl has needs ya know. ...so anyways, it was like a marathon of sex. no inhibitions , just lust. having no concept of time we enjoyed eachother's embrace until the earling morning hours..

but then found myself this morning thinking, geez, why cant i have that all the time? am i only good enough to be somebody's fuck buddy? i felt so beautiful. and over endulged with compliments. any flaw i possessed was erased from my mind. i would love to feel that way everyday. drunk with lust and happiness....

so i guess what im asking, is it ok for a single woman to have "bed buddies"?  should we feel guilty in the morning? if men can do it, why cant we? Whats your thoughts?

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

haunted by the ghost of you

so i continue to have dreams about "the one that got away." i even had a text msg this morning and i didnt recognize the number, and i thought " could it be?" it was not him, of course. i felt my heart sink. so then i find myself searching frantically all over fb trying to find his page. but it was a bust as usual.

i just wonder how long is he going to be on my mind. and is he my first love? i thought i had been in love before, but this is definitely different. its been over 3 years, and i cant stop thinking about him. is this how it feels when you think of your first love? does anyone else have this kinda experience?

i often wonder if there was something i should have done differently. or would we be a better suited match now that some time has passed? maybe things would be different if i had some sort of contact with him. the sad thing is, every person i start dating i compare to him. nobody has ever made me feel like him. could or will i ever feel that way again?

i feel like everywhere i turn im constantly reminded of him. cosmically, is the universe trying to bring us back together??

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

the real 16 and pregnant

i really have to wonder why morgan freeman ever got involved with something like teen mom...or 16 and pregnant. i feel like we are advertising that it is ok for our teens to get pregnant. it makes my stomach turn everytime i watch that show..and its on all the damn time.

when i was 16, i found out i was pregnant. but this unfortunately was before i got out of my abusive relationship. i felt like my whole world was ending. i hadnt even finished highschool. i was so ashamed and embarrassed to tell my mom that i was pregnant. when i did finally tell my parents of course they were not happy but what could they do. my mom learned to except the fact and supported my decision. we even went yard saleing for baby clothes together. my father was not accepting of this. he didnt want anything to do with the idea.

as for my boyfriend ( my child's father) , he said in the beginning he would be there for me but he wasnt. i remember a specific incadent that was the deciding factor in ending our relationship. i remember i came over to his house to discuss a plan for the baby. i was balling my eyes out. and then he said what i will never forget..." if you dont stop crying i will punch you in the stomach and you wont have anything to cry about."...i knew at that moment i had to escape the relationship that had trapped me for almost 2 years.

i remember my first doctor's appt. how exciting, we get to hear the baby's hear beat! the morning of the appt. i arrived at my boyfriend's house to pick him up. and to my surprise he was still in bed. i was pissed. for whatever reason he made an excuse why he suddenly wanted to drive seperately ( which made no sense) . so i gave in and said whatever, lets just go. with him following behind me in his car i made the first exit onto the highway....he didnt follow. there was no time to turn around. and we didnt have cell phones at this time. i was 16 and went to my first doctors appt by myself.

i remember feeling utter disgust. and feeling more alone than ever. i could never understand why he didnt follow. and was sleep more important than his unborn child?

so, this is just short  version of my "16 and pregnant" true life story. there is a lot on those mtv shows that you dont see. what about all the countless nights of crying? i havent seen that one yet. im done ranting. lol...but seriously someone should take that crap off our tv's.

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com

i talked to snooki

hello readers! an exciting night for me, and you'll probably think this is silly...but i got a message from snooki on facebook!..for those that dont know me, im a HUGE jersey shore fan. AND and even bigger snooki fan. so, this sorta made my night and i had to share.

but anyways,  i sent her a msg to help promote the blog. so we will see! lol ...i know you are probably rolling your eyes, like who gives a shit , but like i said,...huge fan! hahaha  t-shirt time!!

until next time,
your go to girl

i love the gay community....tell me!!!

so in response to my previous post about the gay boy pretending he is straight... when i was a bit tipsy, i confronted him...lol...and well, of course he denied it. and had the most skankiest girl with him at the bar and was sucking face with her. lol i even promised i wouldnt tell anyone hahaha...i told him he could tell me , because i loved the gay community. lol

i wish people would just be honest with themselves. lol...i find it funny though. ..if you knew this person it would make it x10 more humorous.

until next time,
your go to girl

confidential vs confrontational

hello readers. ive been really busy lately and feel ive been neglecting my blog. so lets get things crackin! so i previously talked a bit about internet dating. well my romance i believe has come to an end. i had mentioned before that we knew a lot of the same people even though he lives in another state. well i made the mistake of telling him i had slept with one of his friends ( but this incadent happened over 2 years ago) . thats what i get for having no filter on my mouth. the last couple days since that was brought up, have been pretty silent on his part. sooo, im gonna assume, our internet romance is over.

to make a short story long, this friend that i slept with , we will call bob. 2 years ago or more me and bob used to be really good friends. ive known him since highschool. we would hang out and one night we had some drinks and decided that friend sex was a good idea. and it was until....

until bob, went to a party with his buddies and decided to tell everyone every little detail of what happened behind closed doors. and then eventually name dropped ...and there my buisness was, out in the open for everyone to know about. before my name was mentioned i was known as " being with a big girl isnt that bad."...excuse me mutha f*cker, your fat as shit. how dare you?

when i confronted bob, about his word vomit he denied it. if in fact you were my real friend, you would not have mentioned any of my private details to anyone. where is the respect for a lady, or better yet, one of your best friends. but to this day, everyone thinks that bob is just this wonderful person, a great friend...blah blah blah.

alot of people wonder why im such a hard judge of character. and this is one of the many reasons. im not gunna tell people well this is why ...because im not going to embarrass myself or him. i have fuckin respect.

after i confronted bob about this, i just wanted an explanation,...ANYTHING. he had no explanation. i never got an apology nor did he try to rekindle our friendship. and that probably hurt worse than his actual action. the way i take it our friendship really didnt mean a whole lot to him.

so to this day i ignore him and he ignores me. how sad. people are pretty inconsiderate of other people's feelings. ...well that is all.

until next time,
your go to girl
www.your-go.blogspot.com